I sat there frozen in front of the mirror staring at my reflection, but when I looked closer I could not recognize the eyes. They were the eyes of a stranger. I could see the whirlwind of emotions I had felt reflected in those eyes. Instead of my usual laughter and youthfulness, I could see the depths of despair, shattered dreams and hopes, fear and broken promises that seemed to fall into a never ending abyss. Was this girl really me? Had I really changed that much in the last few days? Thousands of thoughts rushed past me as I tried desperately to compose myself. My mind drifted off to those last few moments when my almost perfect life was turned topsy turvy in about a millisecond.
My grandmother’s voice kept ringing in my ears: “you are getting married...married; Married!” but I could hardly believe it. I was only 17 years old, my parents little girl, just a college freshman beginning to explore the freedom of adulthood! Was I ready to make a lifelong commitment to a complete stranger several years older to me? Or knowing what he looked like; what he sounded like, what his dreams and ambitions were? Was he being forced into marrying just like I was? I had a horde of questions but no answers. Just a silent lamb to the slaughter.
But then again thousands of women in the country where I live sacrifice themselves. The perception of women in my country is that of a relatively low key role of child bearer, home maker, and an asset. Ah and our rural women of course are very much treated like property, similar to land, or a cow,or a tube well. From birth the women here are conditioned to the social norms and traditions prevalent in the society. Do we have got any right to make decisions for ourselves? Is there no place for our dreams in this vast world?
My dreams of becoming an aspiring artist came crashing down. Painting was a part of me, my greatest passion, it brought color into my world, made me feel alive during the darkest of hours. Would I ever hold a paintbrush in my hand again? The thought of it being taken away pierced my heart. It was my one desire driven by the urge to fulfill my ambitions.
The thought of living with an unknown man made my heart beat wild with fear. How would I stay with him day and night? Would he take care of me and respect me as a woman or treat me like his property, forcing me to adhere to his every command? Even if he did love me, would I love him in return? That was the thing about true love either you felt it or you didn’t. He could adorn me in the finest silken threads, shower me with a thousand gifts and lay all what he holds dear at my feet. But would I love him? What if I had to live my entire life hating myself for not being a good wife and making his life and my own living nightmare?
All these questions made my head spin. With a heavy heart and all these bleak thoughts in mind, I made my way to the car ready to begin the next phase of my life. I was encircled by eager family and friends who kept fawning and gushing over my appearance but I sat there numb oblivious to my surroundings trapped in my own private world. Stepping out I caught a glimpse of my parents.
Worry was etched all over their faces and they looked drained and haggard. I knew the last couple of days had been hard on them and they felt that they were responsible for crushing my happiness. I tried to smile and give them reassuring glances but that seemed too far away. I pushed the glass doors and walked in ready to face my destiny. Light bulbs flashed and people stared in wonder, it was like being movie star to an award show. I glanced at the ceiling which was decorated with beautiful twinkly lights, which glittered like a thousand shooting stars in the sky. All around me were exotic tiger lilies, white and champagne colored roses which filled the room with heavenly smell.
Antique gold candle stands stood tall amidst the roses casting a dim light creating dancing shadows around the room. Soft and romantic music played in the background. For a single moment, I felt like a princess in a fairytale. It was every girls childhood fantasy come to life. But with every step I took towards the stage I saw my past flash before my eyes. Two little girls clutching each other looked at me like I was a vision from their favorite fable, I gave them a smile remembering how I used to dream of my special day and be dazzled by all brides when they walked by.
To my left were a couple of teenagers giggling and fooling around, I started reminiscing about my school days when everything was so much simpler, life was full of merriment and joy and the biggest concern was worrying over getting good grades or being fretful of being unpopular or left over at a party. Bits of my past even the strongest of memories started slipping away like fine grain of sand trough an hourglass. Laughing faces of friends at college, sipping cokes and being scandalized at shocking gossips brushed by me at lightning speed. I could see my father’s arms and countless family occasions flash by. Snapshots of the life I was leaving behind.
Suddenly I froze as a face of a man came into view, my husband. Tall and broad shouldered he radiated refinement and dignity. His eyes were like smoky mirrors revealing nothing. I searched for a sign of recognition any flicker of emotion that would calm my frazzled nerves but his face seemed devoid of any expression. I kept searching for any sign that would give me reassurance that he was there with me but those black eyes remained vacant. They seemed lost in a never ending chasm. His facial features were so finely set that it seemed as if a skilled craftsman had chiseled him out of the finest stones. I walked towards him ready to be by his side forever. Gathering courage I reached fir his hand, slowly and hesitantly he intertwined his fingers around mine telling me that he was ready to face the rest of life’s journey together.
Zara Nasir
Section H
BBA II
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