when she turns twenty!

By Yumna Azhar

....After spotting the prey, the predator stalks using available cover. It now tracks the prey calmly… the prey, unaware of the situation is busy with its own stuff. The ruthless animal attacks with a rush, often from behind without giving the poor soul anytime to think and react…

A mature woman in her late 40’s spots a pretty girl at a wedding. She follows her for some time to observe the nature of the girl as if she has some high tech James bond gadget to detect the nature of the person by the way they walk and talk. The lady approaches the girl pretending to see her coincidently…thinking of herself as an undercover agent who is on “mission impossible”. Agent X whispers to agent Y, “phssss Fehmidah, look at that girl in yellow, such a doll she is…what a pair she would make with my papooo na...”. “Sure sure, hey Rihana, look at the one in pink, the tall one, she would look so good with my guddu, he wants a tall bride for him… Just pray that they aren’t already engaged, we will go for the shadi shopping together, I’ll wear a red saari by karma”. “Oh my God I have already thought of the names of my grandchildren….”

The usual scenario you have to face at any wedding you attend after turning 20 and in some extreme cases even before that, if…. (I may mention) You are a girl. The aunties literally “hunt” girls for there “laals”. On every other wedding or gathering you start feeling a pair (or two) of eyes following you and after sometime rather too obviously coming and meeting you, inquiring you about your family and trying to suck all sort of personal information possible from your head. ....

Ever noticed a sudden change in your mother? All of a sudden she becomes  so hyper excited about your best friend’s sister’s wedding  that she buys you new clothes all (branded ones you had ever dreamt of), makes you go to the parlor to get your hair done and makes sure that you look your best at the wedding oh, and that too of someone else. “Mom wasn’t like this two years back at my cousin’s wedding and I had to beg her to get me a new clutch (not to mention all the household chores she made me do in return and yes, all the list of promises of do’s and don’ts…) then what is different this year?....” I’m turning 20 this year. The year a girl turns 20, her parents’ starts worrying about her marriage and start treating her like what the daily soap folks call “paraya dhan”.

A real pain in the tooth for every girl falling within the bracket of 20 to 30 years of age. Worth mentioning here are the expressions of my teacher and TA while I was discussing the idea of the article with them. “I mean you should ask me….I’ll be turning 28 and this is what I have to go through each day” states Miss Sonia who is an instructor at the Lahore School of Economics, while the TA nodes in agreement helplessly making you feel sorry for the poor girl. We all ride in the same (BIG) boat girls…....

Sixty three years post partition and we are still living in the rip offs of the sub continental culture. The mentality of the people has not quite nurtured since then. I can link every other current incident to the “question of identity” from the Sialkot incident to the westernization, from democracy to law, from the education standards to the societal pressure on a girl to get married early. 

Who said women are equal and should be given equal rights? Who said they deserve to be given equal opportunities as men? Is this equality? If it is, why isn’t there any pressure on a man to get married? Why do girls get to hear every single day that you won’t get a decent “rishta” after 26? What is 26 by the way…? A scale of measure or something? And if it is, then who set it in the first place? The society..? Ok, what society; the Muslim society or the Hindu society? Or maybe the leftovers of both that we are living in.....

We have some best institutions in Pakistan for everything ranging from fashion to medical which give equal opportunities to both, men and women. If there is no disparity there, then why is it afterwards? A man will marry after 30 after he is well settled and all but a woman has to get “hold” of a good proposal till 26, because after that the so called downfall of a girl’s beauty starts. I’m sorry what century are we living in?....

Since my early years in life I had high plans for life, and being the eldest child my parents treated me like a son or for that matter, there was no difference between a son and a daughter. As I grew up I learnt that you get to live only once so I wanted to achieve all of it. I joined the Lahore school of economics to acquire bachelors in business administration and planned to get a diploma in fashion designing later from NCA. It was my dream to launch my own label and work as a reporter at a news channel. I wanted to learn guitar and meet Brad pit (some dreams).  Also I thought of becoming an RJ and write for a magazine. I wanted to do it all and all of it for myself… but to my bad luck, I’m born as a female in a society that as the power to impose injustice on people and call it traditions.

The problem with our culture is that nothing we have or want to have belongs to us. We follow a culture which is a fusion of the Hindu and the Muslim norms with a twist of westernization in it. We don’t have an identity of our own. For centuries the weak is suffering on the name of religion, honor, power, wealth, status and what not. Why do we call ourselves a great nation? Until or unless we define greatness by breaking the chains of the society we won’t achieve it.

It is the people who make the society and not the other way around!  Think about it.

"I Was a Woman, Now I Am a Ghost"

Article: Sidra Shahid


The 18th and early 19th century consisted of an agricultural society wherein the family worked as a unit, each contributing to the growth and prosperity of the unit. Education and healthcare was provided within the home. Every member of the household was engaged in a skill that would enhance their economic viability. These values were an integral part of their life and their success was measured by how industrious they could be.

Along with industrialization, the 19th century brought with it a change in the family as a cohesive unit. Outside influences directed the course they would take. The home was no longer the core of economic production, but was now the catalyst whereby all labor was forced out.

Education and healthcare institutions became the guardians of the children. Classes began to form and independent families were no longer the norm but, rather, the exception. The age of the independent family has been replaced with an emergence of families in poverty, despair, loneliness, and frustration.

Groups of women have been dangerous in the past, among them Pakistan’s suffragettes of the19th and 20th centuries. Some men and women alike that opposed their right to vote abused them. Just as disturbingly today, some women are abused in more ways, starting as early as infancy when they are molested, raped, belittled, beaten, burned, neglected, starved, and thrown out. Further, because of peer pressure and spousal abandonment, many women fall victim to drug addiction, alcoholism, unwed pregnancy, cult lifestyles, homelessness, poverty, prostitution, and suicide.

Incidences of sexual assaults against children have risen when compared with previous decades, and children are increasingly kidnapped by family acquaintances and strangers instead of close relatives. Yet thousands of sex offenders are never sentenced, in part because their victims are people within their circles usually family members and these children are pressured with threat or shame not to press charges.

With compassion rather than condemnation letting women relate to each distressed, awaken from the deep truths to share that she had kept within herself for a long period of time that prepared her to be dynamited out of rut. Our God is a God of miracles, and this is a somehow a miracle happening right now in the lives of these desperate, terribly abused, totally lost women. Not only does the Lord save, He washes white as snow and sends the washed ones out to witness for Him.

 I am always struck by the strong social expectation that we all seem to hold -- when faced with a crisis, no one will step out of their comfort zone to offer help.

 Meet Shahista physically, verbally, and sexually abused in childhood, as she makes a desperate bid to rise out of the mire of drug addiction and prostitution. How did she find God? One desperate day, after hearing about the Lord, she opened the front door and asked God to come in and be her best friend and walk with her forever. And the miracles began to happen.

 Meet Hajra who went to Data Darbaar (Dargaah) yet was betrayed by the parents who took her there. The forces of darkness reached out to claim her and drive her into deathly desperation. She tried suicide, alcohol, drugs, sex, and an abortion. When nothing else helped, she called unto the Lord, and from then on, no matter how dark the way became, God continually reached out until Hajra stumbled into His arms and her miracles started.

 By observing some of the much needed facilities that should be provided to women are not being provided and they do not get a chance to express their feelings, this all opened my eyes to the injustice and hopelessness that many suffer in this society. I believe that everyone should at least be given a fighting chance to not only survive, but to thrive. 

Feudal, police officers and soldiers are found culpable of the rape of more than hundreds of women in the towns of our country. Why they are not being charged of such in hummable activity? If someone reaches the court somehow, she is not given a chance to proceed within the court and is declared as an abnormal person blaming a respectable person of the society whose face is covered with his good deeds and character. This Demonstrates that the most dangerous people "count it all joy" by looking at the bigger picture. They do this with an unshakable faith that all will be well, no matter what circumstances look like at this moment. Such people have come through the fires of hell in one piece and have survived, No, they have prospered. Now they spread the good word of hope, and this is the lesson of life that if we know it, then we can achieve it, and then we will facilitate it for others.

Center in the courts have begun serving lengthy sentences in the provincial capitals yet a good sign of hope but the speedy trial and sentencing by a mobile court is a welcome sign of a new commitment to ending impunity for sexual violence in the Democratic Republic of Pakistan.

 So many people around us are broken in one way or another. Many elements in the stories of these females will strike a familiar chord. That may be unnerving, or frightening. But woven through every story, on every page of their life, is the truth of God's grace and a steady, unmistakable sense of hope. These women progressed from broken vessels, to women dangerous to themselves and others, to heroes boldly dangerous for God and His promises for healing, deliverance, and truth through salvation.

Many of the children I met in village here in my home town had been shunned from their families, abandoned, orphaned, and left to wither away. One particularly horrifying story was of a girl from the orphanage who had been buried alive on top of her deceased mother because no one in the community could take care of her. A brave little boy heard her cries, dug her up, and carried her in his bicycle basket to the door of the Sisters. I believe that much needs to change in the world- from corrupt politics to greed to overindulgence to priorities in life. I also believe that it doesn't happen overnight and that it is almost never easy. 

Regardless, I want to try to live by the words of Mahatma Gandhi- "Be the change you wish to see in the world." 

Domestic violence against women in Pakistan has been worst and vulnerable since the origin of the country. Some of the issues which I have observed through my insight struggle are the social and cultural reasons for violence against women, the ways in which the women are victimized, the extent of this violence and its implications for the victims and society at large. It is often seen that some of the major reasons for violence against women include treatment of women as objects and property, legitimization of cruel practices through tradition and misinterpretation of religion, and patriarchal nature of society that enables men to reinforce their social power through subjugation of women. While around 80% of Pakistani women are reported to face some form of domestic violence every year, horrific crimes such as honor killings, acid burnings and marital rape are also quite common.

There are several absurd practices such as exchanging of women to settle tribal disputes and selling them to pay off debt, which depict the treatment of women as commodities. The violence against women goes unchecked because of an unjust legal system that leads to unfair settlements and custodial violence against women. The brutalization and torture of women has several negative impacts that start with the continuous fear and feelings of worthlessness among the victims. Large-scale mistreatment of women forces economic backwardness on them and creates widespread gender-disparity in the country. 

My first encounter with the real state of women was back in school times when I returned back to my hometown to meet my parents. A story from some of the relatives and of an aunt of mine in Arifwala came to our house once, sobbing and weeping. I was playing football with my brother in the backyard as she sat there and explained to my parents how her husband had beaten her and kicked her out of his home. She seemed to be in serious pain, yet she was not bleeding or anything. What she said was or what she wanted to say that I could read her eyes was that, “I remember so many things I want to forget. I remember once upon a time I was a real person, and then I was a woman. Now I am a ghost."

The source of her pain was heartache. She was sobbing, and I could not help but stop playing to watch her. She said the word talaaq (divorce) time and again. Every time she said it, she cried louder. This idea of divorce must have been her tormentor. It appeared that she did not want to be divorced; whatever that meant was unclear to me at the time. Later on in the day, I asked my Mama what was wrong with auntie. Mama said I would not understand it. Eventually, my aunt went back to her husband’s home to live there for good. 

More than a decade down the line, I now understand things a little better. My aunt’s husband had no excuse to treat her so badly. After all, he could just have ended the marriage if he did not want to be with my aunt anymore. But why did he kill her each passing moment, every day, with the same threat of divorce and physical torture?

Because he knew that she would have no place in the society as a divorced woman that she would have no means of financial sustenance. My aunts own family would despise her. Today, her husband has a second wife, a “sokan” for my aunt as it is called in Urdu. Her husband divides his time between the two wives. He treats the sokan better because she is younger and more beautiful. His actions have no legal implications, only moral and ethical ones that do not bother him. My aunt has four children, and lives with her husband pretending that the other woman does not exist. This is an unfair compromise, but my aunt has no other choice if she wants to survive in the patriarchal society. 

But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Living with someone who suffers from such a pathetic behavior would have definitely made her a stronger person and it has made their relationship stronger. It has also taught her that she can’t base her self confidence on how he treats her or how much he compliments her. She is a strong woman with lots to offer and now, she embraces that!

Any of such stories, recorded as chapters of women’s life, could stand alone as an important film and represents the sense of courage, velour and hope as well as a sense of redemption that prevails within the minds of such women. I would be deeply honored to say that “He who conquers himself is the mightiest warrior”. 

Though the overall picture is quite bleak for women in Pakistan, there are some rays of hope through isolated cases in which society has supported victimized women and the legal system has dispensed justice. Overall, this is a manifesto for improving the plight of millions of battered women in Pakistan who deserve social justice.

Sidra Shahid
BBAII
Sec: H
09u0309